Alan King

“Right when I started in show... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'”

“There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'”

“Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.”

“My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.”

“My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.”

“I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.”

“I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.”

“If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.”

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.”

“Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.”

“Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.”

“I was a high school throw-out.”

“When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.”

“Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.”

“I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.”