Adam Rex

“I haven't read the 'Twilight' books, though I suppose, in general, I thought it might be fun to deflate all of the notions of vampire sexiness, secret societies, the idea that anyone could learn to divide the population of the world between fellow vampires and perishable food sources and expect to retain their humanity, etc.”

“Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.”

“The original release of 'Star Wars' was literally the first movie I remember seeing in a theater. Four years old was probably too young - I recall believing, for some time, that Darth Vader was a robot.”

“Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.”

“Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.”

“Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.”

“There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.”

“Stealing is good, honest work," Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking," he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good.”

“...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.”

“Vampirism is like celebrity now. Vampires are these eternally young, thin, sexy apparitions of perpetual nightlife and absolutely nothing like their folkloric European boogeyman predecessors. We don't even make our vampires sleep in coffins anymore, or the ground.”

“Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.”

“In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.""Fight or flight.""Yes.""Only half of that is flight.”

“I don't know if I'd call it a favorite, but there was an entree in the rotation at my grade school cafeteria called 'Salisbury Steak' that was some kind of freestanding spongiform potage covered in a sauce that would probably have to be spelled 'grayvee' for legal reasons.”

“Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.”

“This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.”

“The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.”

“He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.”

“There's a little bit of magic in every box!”

“In the future, I'd like to continue being honest with myself and admit when I'd be better off asking someone else to illustrate my writing.”

“I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.""Sausages.”