A biography for Willie Geisthasn’t been written yet.
“I'm not a coffee drinker, so my drink is kind of like a girlie skim chai latte. I'm not proud of it, but it's really good.”
“I guess it turns out choosing your life partner from a group of men trying to get their break in show business by sitting around shirtless in a swimming pool while cameras watch around the clock isn't the path to a soulmate after all.”
“Bachelor parties would pay a lot of money to hire Pat Buchanan to come.”
“You don't really have to say much when your headline is 'Drag Queen Robs Burger King.' Sometimes comedy writes itself.”
“Golf is the only sport where watching the game is arguably as grueling physically as playing it.”
“I am one of the five best parallel parkers in the United States of America. Dead serious. It's to the point now where I look back when pulling into the spot only as a formality.”
“I think President Obama has always been a little bit underestimated. Some of the things he's done with foreign policy have been unassailable. Getting us out of Iraq, killing Osama Bin Laden.”
“It's fun to deliver material on live TV because it's more off-the-cuff, but I like writing better. You really can measure the joke, think an extra second and nail the right reference.”
“Kanye is going to have to decide early whether or not he's a Baby Bjorn guy, because the minute you put on that Baby Bjorn, there's no turning back. It's like buying a minivan. You lose a little piece of yourself when you get that Baby Bjorn.”
“I'm pretty sure people are going to start writing letters again once the email fad passes.”
“My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door.”