Tom Upton

“Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.”

“"Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."”

“I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.”

“It is not easy being trapped in a school that is caught between cornfields and cows.”

“Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?”

“Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.”

“It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people, like me, to be interested.”

“Apparently I couldn’t even pretend to be normal.”

“I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?”

“You can’t believe in fate only when it sends you something you want, only when things turn out right. You have to accept what fate sends you or doesn’t send you, no matter whether or not you like it.”

“UNDERTAKER!” the head boomed. “BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU!”

“...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything....”

“You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.”

“It wasn’t human nature to leave things alone. It was normal for people to try to fix things that didn’t need to be fixed; or, infinitely worse, trying to fix things that were broken, because some things are meant to be broken--”

“I figured it is always better to be unpopular by your own choice.”

“If you just go with the flow, no matter what weird things happen along the way, you always end up exactly where you belong.”

“You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.”

“I really should come with a warning label.”

“Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?”

“All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.”