Tom Segura

“The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.”

“I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.”

“When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'”

“I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock's 'Bring the Pain' came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.”

“I think I'm a decent person.”

“Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you're missing something by abandoning sitting down to write entirely.”

“I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.”

“When you're a comic doing a special, it's like you're directing your first movie.”

“A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show, but you don't feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you're like, 'This feels right.'”

“Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.”

“I'll never be a TV writer.”

“I don't switch my act up to win over the crowd. I'm more like, 'You came here... this is what I do.' I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.”

“I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.”

“I'm not the nicest guy on stage.”

“People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'”

“I've never been a big party guy or super social.”

“Every person learns with time and experience.”

“Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV.”

“I wasn't the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.”

“I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.”