Stephen Merchant

“There's this way pop culture has been rammed down our throats that people think that if they were just in the right place at the right time, they'd be married to Heidi Klum.”

“I don't have any hidden depths; I'm a very superficial person. It's a constant frustration to me.”

“I very rarely laugh. I remember I used to have a joy at comedy. I remember going to see Sean Lock for the first time live, just in some comedy club when I was 18, and again, just guttural, pure laughter. I didn't know what he was doing; I couldn't see the tricks.”

“I'm too tall. I am 6ft 7in, so I've been most people's height at some point in my life, and 6ft 4in is the best. You're tall, but you don't have to bend when you go through a door.”

“It's not like I think: 'By the age of 40 I've got to be an international household name.' When the opportunity to perform comes up, then I'll take it. It's really good fun. But because I don't crave the attention or the buzz, it's not like I'm desperate for it.”

“I guess as you get older you sort of see the mechanics, even with the best comedians. There's admiration for people I admire, but it's not guttural laughter. It's a wry 'Oh, well done, sir.' But I sort of miss that slightly; I miss the raw joy of comedy I used to get.”

“My heroes - people like Woody Allen - were stand-up comedians. Therefore, I always felt I should give it a go.”

“I've jokingly said that everything I'm doing now is filling up the hours before I die, but I do feel that slightly. I have no religious beliefs so this is the ride. This is it. So I'm just like anyone, I suppose, trying to fill out the days in the most interesting way possible.”

“I suffered when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. I was awkward, I stuck out, I was nerdy.”

“It never really occurs to me that I'm doing cringe comedy. It's something that people tell me afterwards, and I say, 'Again? Really? I never set out with that intention.'”

“I'm looking for a woman with the body of Kelly Brook and the mind of Stephen Fry.”

“John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.'”

“The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word 'wife' on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.”

“I was trying for years to woo people through humour, but it seems flash cars are much easier.”

“I've always been a fan of physical comedy. It kind of hits you in a different way; it bypasses the intellect and hits you in the gut.”

“I know that this sounds grand, but I don't try to compete with other people. I like to think there's enough pie for everyone. The kind of people I'm competing with are my heroes - Woody Allen, Billy Wilder - who I know I'm going to fall short of.”

“Generally, I'm terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I've always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops.”