Sarah Silverman

“I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.”

“It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.”

“I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.”

“That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.”

“I like my life alone.”

“Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.”

“But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.”

“I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.”

“I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.”

“Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.”

“I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.”

“My dad loves to be talked about, good or bad. He just loves it. He's not even hearing the content, he's just hearing him. When I'm onstage, he's looking at the audience members and can't believe that there are strangers listening to me, and he's just delighted by the whole thing.”

“I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.”

“Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!”

“Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.”

“I do love the idea of ritual.”

“Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.”

“I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.”

“My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.”

“They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.”