S. J. Perelman

“He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.”

“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”

“I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.”

“Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.”

“I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.”

“The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.”

“Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.”