Paula Poundstone

“When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.”

“I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.”

“I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.”

“I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.”

“I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.”

“I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.”

“President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.”

“I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.”

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'”

“I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.”

“When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.”

“I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.”

“I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.”

“Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.”

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.”

“It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.”

“Deep-rooted happiness may require a sense of purpose. If I don't feel that I am in some small way contributing to the greater good, holding on to happiness is like carrying water in my hands.”

“I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.”

“I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.”

“There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.”