Norm MacDonald

“Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.”

“I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.”

“I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.”

“I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.”

“I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.”

“Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.”

“Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.”

“I didn't really want to inject myself into anything political. A lot of people were asking me at the time about Jay and Conan, and I hate doing anything serious.”

“It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.'”

“You can't love your team without hating another team.”

“With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.”

“I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me. I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It's just not very entertaining.”

“I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.”

“So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.”

“I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.”

“It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.”

“When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.”

“I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.”

“There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.'”

“I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.”