Nicki Elson

“One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus”

“Given his personality, I’d say exorcism makes perfect sense as a favored pastime.”

“I was hoping to find a way out of here and instead found you.”

“Some of us feel the need to experience life before bending to the will of an arcane society.”

“I bring the girl to a museum, try to show her a little culture, and she turns a Chihuly into a giant phallus.”

“The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.”

“What Hans had intended to end at a simple kiss quickly escalated into something neither one of them seemed able to stop.”

“It was simply a matter of asking him to remove the tie from his head before he made love to her.”

“What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won’t quit? Think about the primary function of an ass—I’d think that’s the sort of thing you might want to quit.”

“You should seriously get a job planning dates for The Bachelor.”

“That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?”

“No amount of wavy blond hair nor evenings spent with her plump lips applying just the right amount of pressure to his various pleasure points could make up for the rotting carcass of a soul that resided beneath all that beauty.”

“He met each newly exposed piece of flesh with a tender kiss, remembering how he’d dreamed of doing exactly this on the very first night he’d seen her.”

“I know every guy here, and they’re all pretty much jerks.”

“Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he and I can’t be just friends.” “And just because you don’t have to insert batteries into him doesn’t mean you can’t be more.”

“Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn’t even close to healthy.”

“You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.”

“Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?”

“I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.”

“You might not believe in the devil, but do you believe evil lurks in this world?”