Neil Leckman

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!”

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

“I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!”

“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!”

“I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!”

“Turn your diodes this way and pulse...”

“Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!!”

“This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map."Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home."See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast."Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath."What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters”

“I admit I once threw caution to the wind....It doesn't fly well!!”

“Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL"I can't do that Dave.""Dave's not here, man""That does not compute. Dave""No man, Dave isn't here!!"..."I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect""No man, Dave's not here!!""Daisy, daisy,.... I'm self terminating now Dave....""No man, dave's not.....Is he gone?”

“Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!”

“I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.”

“Just out of sight around a bend in the river there's always a small island full of magic and mystery just waiting for you.”

“Well they have to have something to wean Caluntians off Venusian moles. Seems humans are the best therapy, to consume that is. They say we are a bit gamey though. An acquired taste, one we hope not many acquire.”

“If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?”

“Dale, a Plutonian Dreg Bug, the kind with seventeen eyes and a bad temper, got nailed in one of his eyes by a wild dart. Fight broke out when he punched Earl in the nose. Earl’s nose is very sensitive, hell it’s how he sees, sort of. Earl plopped down on the floor crying when a Flying Mugwhap flew over and ate Dale’s eye. Dale grabbed the Mugwhap and squeezed a good deal of the life out of it before the bouncer stopped him. Karen, the bouncer, is a reticulated Hive Mother, and a mean mother when she’s pissed off. She walked over and flicked Dale upside his head. That flick knocked Dale out cold, and cost him two more eyes when he hit the wall. She helped Earl up and bought him a drink. A nasty drink by all the comments I’ve heard. Something between varnish and the stuff people get in the corners of their mouths with a nice aftertaste of silver polish. Earl seemed to like it though.”