Milton Berle

“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.”

“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.”

“People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.”

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?”

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.”

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”

“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

“I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.”

“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.”

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”

“Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.”

“I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.”

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

“They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”

“Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.”

“It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.”

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.”