Michelle Wolf

“For eight years, all I cared about was track.”

“I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.”

“Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'”

“I'm so lucky that I found comedy and that I get to do it for a living.”

“The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You get to build stand-up - I really like that aspect of it. I like writing jokes, and you don't get to do that in improv.”

“I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If you can get a joke to work at an open mic, it's a good joke.”

“As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense.”

“I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom.”

“I think Trump is terrible for comedy. A lot of people say he is great. He's not. You can't joke a joke.”

“Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.”

“The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady.”

“Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke?”

“The more confident I am, the more daring I am.”

“A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.”

“I'm a standard overachiever.”

“You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.”

“We're never gonna have a nice lady run for president.”

“We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.”

“When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly.”