Mark Twain

“I said it was a brutal thing."No, it was a human thing. You should not insult the brutes by such a misuse of that word; they have not deserved it.”

“If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.”

“I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.”

“She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”

“Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.”

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

“I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened”

“The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.”

“Tom's whole being applauded this idea. It was deep, and dark, and awful; the hour, the circumstances, the surroundings, were in keeping with it.”

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.”

“What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.”

“'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.”

“Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeats--repeats--repeats--repeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true.”

“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.”

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

“The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.”

“What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.”

“Diligence and attention soon gave him the knack of it, and he strode down the street with his mouth full of harmony and his soul full of gratitude. He felt much as an astronomer feels who has discovered a new planet—no doubt, as far as strong, deep, unalloyed pleasure is concerned, the advantage was with the boy, not the astronomer.”

“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”