Lewis Black

“Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.”

“The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.”

“What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.”

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”

“The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.”

“I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.”

“What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.”

“My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.”

“If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.”

“All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.”

“Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!”

“Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.”

“I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.”

“In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.”

“One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.”

“When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.”

“Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.”

“אין דבר כזה חלב סויה. יש מיץ סויה!”

“הפעם הראשונה שפיקפקתי בסמכות הייתה בתרגילים נגד הפצצות אטומיות שהיו עושים לנו בבית הספר. המורים היו אומרים לנו לשכב מתחת לשולחנות ואני הייתי חושב לעצמי שהמבוגרים חושבים שמה שיגן עלינו מכדור אש ענקי זאת חתיכת עץ!”

“כשהייתי קטן אמרו לי לאכול ביצים - אז אכלתי הרבה ביצים. ואז אמרו לי שהביצים גרועות לגוף - אז הפסקתי. ואז אמרו - זה בעצם טוב - אז התחלתי לאכול עוד פעם ביצים. ואז אמרו שהלבן טוב ואז אמרו שהצהוב טוב והלבן רע - תחליטו כבר! זה זמן ארוחת בוקר ואני רעב!”