Keith Allen

“There's so much mythologising around me.”

“When I've had money I've always spent it. I don't invest. A pension? Yes, it's called my talent.”

“Vanity takes a lot of work. I'm too lazy to be vain.”

“Women want to be entertained. They want value for money from a man. You have to have the whole package.”

“Obviously I have propagated the occasional myth about myself, because the real me, I'm not worth knowing.”

“Punk changed everything. It blew away all the dull, pompous stuff that happened before, like glam rock. Kids were getting involved in causes like Rock Against Racism and they needed music that reflected that. Something similar was happening in comedy too, with the Comedy Store and the alternative scene that I got involved in.”

“We are governed by consumerism and it's terrible when that is all that life is geared to.”

“Women are women's own worst enemy. They rip each other apart.”

“Give me some grilled halloumi and a bit of hummus to snack on, and I'm in heaven.”

“A lot of what journalists write is drivel.”

“I'm delighted that the BBC has given me the chance to delve into the murky world of 'The Body Farm.'”

“The act of littering annoys me more than anything, particularly drivers who throw stuff out of the car window.”

“I have no ambition whatsoever. I don't know whether that's because I'm afraid of losing, or of failure - of not being the best.”

“The Internet is a global lavatory wall, a Rabelaisian mixture of truth, lies, insanity and humour.”

“I don't like going to parties, I like having parties at home.”

“I'm in love with corrugated iron buildings, especially chapels and churches.”

“My father was the biggest influence on my own parenting because I became the complete opposite to him. He found it very difficult to show physical love, like cuddling and that kind of stuff, so I went the other way.”

“My mother was Welsh and I loved going to Wales every summer, where Uncle Les had a farm. My mother had seven brothers and a sister and they were all very close. There would always be food on the table and uncles coming in and out. My father's family were English and lived in London, and we didn't really see them.”