Kady Hunt

“I’ve never felt this lonely.But then I’ve never witnessed someone falling apart. Even his blank stare, as he watches his world crumble around himself, is beautiful. And I’ve never seen someone break so perfectly. And all I can do is watch because he won’t let me in.Because just like his darkness, his misery is his own.But what does that make me?A passerby?No.I can’t just stand by.Why doesn’t he understand that I can’t watch him fall apart? That the sharp ends of the broken glass that is his heart, cut me too.”

“The pain I feel from the razor blade doesn’t even come close to what I’m feeling inside so it’s useless because the equation is messed up: because razor blade pain should be equal to or greater than the heartache, that’s just CUTTING 101. And if it’s not—well you’re fucked, my friend. It was nice knowing you, but you know what time it is?It’s time to let to let the darkness in.Quid pro quo and all that.It’s time to find something more agonizing than the touch of the blade.”

“When they ask me why I jumped off the roof of my brother’s apartment building, I will tell them it was because I wanted the sky to mourn me.And because I wanted to know what it feels like to hit something so hard it shatters me into bits that they can never sew back together.”

“I go towards him and put my hands on his face and I kiss him. “What do you feel, Holden?”He looks into my eyes. “You,” he says. “I feel you.”

“I want to say that yes, it was worth it; that I could suffer through pain and torture for her and go through a lot more than what Puck and his friends are capable of, and I can do it for all of eternity; suffer, until she realizes how much I love her. But she’s gone before I can say any of it. I wait till she’s left.And then I reach for my wallet.Hidden inside one of the flaps is a piece of paper that barely conceals a razorblade. Its frayed edges still have my blood on them. The blood is from the previous cuts I’ve made and I carry it around like a trophy, like Dexter carries around his victims’ blood on slides. I use that blade to give myself a cut and it starts bleeding. Right away, it feels as though the pressure that has been building inside me ever since that confrontation with Puck is lifted. I feel free again.”

“There’s nothing.Nothing to hold on to while the current takes me.Whatever I might have had until today, I’ve lost.I feel my love for her, swelling; bloating into something that’s about to explode, like an abscess that’s been allowed to rot for too long, but the pain drowns it so completely I know I’m never coming back out. This feeling, that you’re choking and that your body is underwater, immersed in the ocean, a dense flood that overpowers your breathing abilities, and your will to survive gets drowned right along with it. And as I’m drowning I see her face and hear her voice—and it doesn’t give me hope, it terrifies me. I’m terrified because I know she’s going to be the death of me. I’m terrified because I know I won’t be able to cope. I’m terrified because the darkness is the only true friend I’ve ever had and if it wants to embrace me I don’t have the power to make it stop.”