Justin Halpern

“Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.”

“I was an angst-y journal writing kid.”

“There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.”

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”

“I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.”

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”

“Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.”

“I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.”

“Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad”

“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”

“The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.”

“My dad is awesome.”

“... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.”

“I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.”

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”

“The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.”

“Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.”

“I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.”

“I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.”