Judith Sheindlin

“to a defendant who claimed he was receiving Worker's Compensation for a bad knee: Well, what did you think you were going to do for UPS, deliver babies?”

“Let me explain something to you, Fresh Mouth: I'm the only one who makes jokes.”

“If I could fine you for stupid, I would fine you for stupid.”

“...Did you just call me Nurse Ratched!? Byrd. Get rid of him. Now.”

“Let me tell you something: if you live to be a hundred, you'll never be as smart as I am in one finger.”

“(To a legal intern) Would you mind telling me who you blackmailed, bribed, or slept with to get that diploma? I'd like to mail them a sympathy card.”

“(To a football player) If you lie to me, I'll mop the floor with you worse than anyone who's ever tackled you.”

“(To a law student) Does the word "shyster" mean anything to you?”

“DON'T SPEAK! See how fast I can get the smile off your face?”

“Mr. Britton, don't be a wise guy, because I'm gonna mop up the floor with you if you're a wise guy to me. This is my playpen, not yours.”

“I got you ten ways from Sunday, madam!”

“I mean, did you think I was just a fake person here, that they picked out of, you know, that they picked out of a supermarket? Didn't you think that I had any legal experience at all, sir?”

“Let me tell you something. This is my playpen, and I get the last word.”

“I'm not 25, and I'm not 5'8". But I know when someone is pulling my leg.”

“to a defendant's witness wearing torn jeans: I'm looking in your direction trying to figure out whether you accidentally tripped on your way coming into court today, or whether you selected those pants because you thought that they were attractive.”

“Whoever you think you are, you do not talk to me that way. Not ever. I am not your daughter. How you speak to your own child in your own house is your own business. You can make her cry for all I care; she's your kid, not mine. But that's her, it isn't me. Or can't you tell the two of us apart? Because if you can't, then you've got a far more serious problem than the one that brought you here today. That bigger problem is Byrd.”

“I want you to stop getting hysterical over NOTHING!”

“There's just one person who's allowed to ask, or answer, rhetorical questions in my courtroom -- and that's me! Understand? No, don't answer! There you go again.”

“PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!”

“Did that sound like a rhetorical question? It wasn't. I want you to answer it, capisce? Now, THAT was a rhetorical question! See the difference?”