Jon Stewart

“I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.”

“Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

“Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.”

“Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.”

“We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.”

“Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]”

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”

“The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.”

“McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”

“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”

“I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance”

“Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.”

“Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.”

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

“Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.”

“Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.”

“No one is better at not beating America than England.”

“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!”