Johnny Vegas

“I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.”

“I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.”

“I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.”

“I struggle as a writer, and I'm convinced that if I was at school now, I'd be termed as having ADS. Two minutes and I'm drifting.”

“This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute.”

“My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.”

“With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.”

“There was always that thing with 'Johnny' - I always saw myself as his writer and PR. But when he got out there, I had no control. His whole thing was going off on those flights of fancy. Going, 'Let's see what we can possibly do that hasn't been done before up here.' And when it works, it's lovely; it's a great night.”

“Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.”

“If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.”

“My name is Michael Pennington, and I am not a comic character.”

“We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.”

“I thought I could play the hellraiser and then put 'Johnny Vegas' back in his box. I found popularity through self-destruction. The more you damage yourself, the more people are drawn to you, and that can be quite addictive. It is not a lifestyle you can maintain.”

“There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource.”

“You know, there's that temptation in interviews to make yourself sound - well, to give yourself a bit of mystery.”

“I used to attract a lot of feeders. I'd be quite happy to be locked in someone's flat and fed liquidised burgers.”

“My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.”

“I always say that the stand-up world is the arena of the unwell, and it is.”

“I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.”

“You don't want to be flattered and become big-headed by getting awards. But, well, I am.”