Joe Lycett

“I don't want a little Oliver/Olivia parasite running about eating my biscuits. My friends, on the other hand, are procreating like humanity depends on it, and it doesn't.”

“I don't do vulgarity, I prefer to talk about nice things.”

“You can't go too far wrong with the Pointer Sisters.”

“I don't want someone to be nice and friendly while telling me my bill's gone up by 10 per cent because they've just decided that.”

“Normally during the week between Christmas and New Year I'm slumped in a chair in Birmingham, eating, farting and spouting total nonsense.”

“I've got really into gardening.”

“I think it's something to do with the nurturing side of the psyche; tying up a sunflower or whatever and helping it grow, it is just some kind of core human experience.”

“I beam at the idea of me at the wheel of a luxury yacht, surrounded by models and moguls, sipping cool Gavi di Gavi as we meander down the French Riviera.”

“Turns out it's bloody hard to make a sculpture that looks like a human head, so I've not bothered. Realism is for squares.”

“My parents have always been very supportive and it hasn't been an issue. Mum worried I might get more problems in life because of my bisexuality but I think people are more liberal now.”

“I can't have a KitKat without panicking.”

“I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can't thank ewe enough.”

“My philosophy is, if I couldn't say it in front of my grandmother, I probably shouldn't say it.”

“I am now reconciled to the fact that I am a millennial through and through.”

“There's a viral video of a young girl learning to say 'who' but pronouncing it as 'wah' which I think could be one of the funniest things that has ever happened.”

“I'm a bit done with weddings. There are so many and I'm so bored of them.”

“People say I'm charming, but I'm uneasy with that word. Quentin Crisp said: 'Charisma is the ability to influence without logic,' which is terrifying.”

“In truth, I have absolutely no idea how to value my work.”

“The thing about Birmingham is, no one spends their evening looking over your shoulder thinking: 'Is that Nick Grimshaw?' and wondering if there's a better night they could be on. Because there isn't.”

“I make a sensational chicken, chorizo and mung bean stew.”