Joe Bob Briggs

“Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke.”

“In other words, New York has gone all suburban and bourgeois on us.”

“Everything changed in Bosnia, when General Wesley Clark proved that you could fight a war with high- level precision air strikes and a bare minimum of ground action.”

“A universal draft is most often the instrument of Third World dictators.”

“Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.”

“The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle.”

“Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.”

“In some European theaters, it's still not uncommon to have a late start and three LONG intermissions, because people actually eat and drink and converse during the intermissions.”

“I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?”

“It's not a crime to get drunk.”

“There is no post-9/11. Everything from now until the end of time is post-9/11.”

“Faith is like a kernel of wheat.”

“If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it 'romance and adventure.'”

“The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.”

“As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.”