Jo Brand

“There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.”

“I have such admiration for single mothers. I simply don't comprehend how you'd cope with that intensity, the lack of breaks, ever, on your own.”

“The problem with comedy audiences - it's like the Coliseum - when they see someone struggling, they don't feel altruistic towards them. They feel slightly repulsed by it.”

“I can honestly say I've never sold any arms to a repressive foreign regime while reassuring everyone at home that the weapons will be used for nice things.”

“Men are fantastic - as a concept.”

“I don't like doing stand-up, because I don't like standing up.”

“I used to get a lot of people saying 'Oh, you are such a lucky granny.' But the fact of the matter is you can be a grandma at 35 these days.”

“Again, with two small children it's incredibly hard to commit yourself to anything because you're just getting interested in it and someone comes along and goes I want Thomas The Tank Engine on, and screams the place down until you put it on.”

“My mum taught me to knit when I was a child, and I turn to it, for some weird reason, when I'm feeling depressed.”

“Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it's dark, and everything seems far more spooky.”

“It's inevitable that if you do okay on something like that you don't just annoy people, that it will make a difference because it seemed like such a lot of people so, yes I would have to say that it has done.”

“People are so different in reality from the picture created of them on TV. So it's all a creation; everything is made up.”

“I was really, because I thought it was extremely excruciating when I watched a tape of it, that my husband taped for me and I never watched it again after that.”

“I've no interest in fashion, shoes, handbags, or sweaty shopping.”

“I never ever take into consideration the consequences of my actions until it's too late.”

“The funny thing is, I don't actually think of myself as fat at all. I don't think I am. Not really.”

“Managers of hospitals over the years have been increasingly recruited from outside the health service, and although their experience of running a supermarket chain might allow them to balance the books, it does not mean they have any insight into how a ward should be managed and patients best served.”

“I still get blokes who say, 'Oh you hate men, don't you?' And I say, 'No, I just hate you.' I really love doing that, just to see the look on their faces.”

“The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife.”

“No one I know is actually so rude as to tell me I've become duller since having children. But I'm sure they think it.”