Jimmy Kimmel

“I only get unusual ailments.”

“There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.”

“My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.”

“The idea that you would not only exercise but that you would enjoy it is very difficult for me to understand. I just hate it.”

“If you want to do a talk show on network television, you're probably going to wind up having a desk and a band, wearing a suit, and having a sidekick. Audiences want to feel comfortable.”

“I never imagined being on television.”

“I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.”

“There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.”

“If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.”

“It is kind of funny that the people who don't think Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president are so worried that Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president.”

“At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.”