Jenny Eclair

“I'm the least spiritual person in the world. I can't even abide a smelly candle. I know it's meant to make me relax, and that immediately makes my hackles rise.”

“What has happened to the good old-fashioned travel agent? I want to go to a really posh travel agent and have them organise everything for me. I don't want to do things on the Internet.”

“I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.”

“I am best viewed from a distance.”

“For me, being a woman suits what I want to talk about and what my audience wants to hear. Maybe I'm a dying breed.”

“I can't stand folk who are all snobby about reality TV.”

“I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.”

“I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager.”

“After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga.”

“The comedy I like the best is comedy I can't do, stuff that doesn't touch my arena.”

“I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.”

“I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face.”

“I was trained as an actress. But I wasn't a very convincing actress, so I started doing punk poetry and then fell into doing stand-up.”

“Women are more emotional, and it's natural to talk about it.”

“The only way to go on holiday is with your expectations at ground level. Convince yourself before you go that the weather's going to be dreadful and there will be nylon sheets. You'll then be pleasantly surprised.”

“I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead.”

“I have a very solo career. I only write with people that I really adore.”

“I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.”

“I don't think I'm successful.”

“People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.”