Jen Kirkman

“Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.”

“I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'”

“I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.”

“Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.”

“Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.”

“Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.”

“I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.”

“Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.”

“As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.”

“There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.”

“A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.”

“The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.”

“People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.”

“I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.”

“Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!”

“If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.”

“Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.”

“Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.”

“Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.”

“What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.”