A biography for Jay Lenohasn’t been written yet.
“For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!”
“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”
“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”
“Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.”
“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from oneend to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terroristattacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out ofthe Pledge of Allegiance?”
“More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.”
“New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.”
“Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.”
“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
“People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.”
“I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
“If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”
“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”
“I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.”
“I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'”
“Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.”
“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”