Jasper Carrott

“I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.”

“There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.”

“I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.”

“Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.”

“I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.”

“My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.”

“My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.”

“I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.”

“I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.”

“I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis.”

“I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.”

“After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'”

“Celador always ask me to do their shows, and I turned down 'Millionaire.' I couldn't have done it as well as Chris Tarrant, or at least I couldn't have done it any better.”

“Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.”

“Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.”

“I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer.”

“My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.”

“Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.”

“The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.”

“I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.”