Gilbert Gottfried

“If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.”

“With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.”

“Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.”

“If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.”

“I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.”

“I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.”

“A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'”

“There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!”

“Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.”

“I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.”

“I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.”

“I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.”

“I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.”

“I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.”

“I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.”

“There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.”

“Nothing can help my comedy.”

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”

“I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.”

“I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.”