George S. Kaufman

“The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.”

“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.”

“When I was born I owed twelve dollars.”

“Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.”

“Satire is what closes on Saturday night.”

“Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.”

“I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.”

“I understand your new play is full of single entendres.”

“At dramatic rehearsals, the only author that's better than an absent one is a dead one.”