George Carlin

“It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”

“I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Life is tough, then you die.”

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”

“I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“עוד משהו שמתחיל להימאס עליי במדינה הזאת הם כל הקשקושים שאני נאלץ לשמוע על ילדים. זה כל מה ששומעים בימינו, ילדים: 'עזרו לילדים, הצילו את הילדים, הגנו על הילדים.' יודעים מה דעתי? לעזאזל עם הילדים! הם מקבלים תשומת לב הרבה יתר על המידה. ואני יודע שחלק מכם חושבים: 'אלוהים אדירים, הוא לא הולך לתקוף ילדים, נכון?' כן! הוא הולך לתקוף ילדים. וזכרו ש'מר כרטיסן' מדבר; אני יודע על מה אני סח.”

“תגיד לאנשים שיש איש בלתי נראה בשמיים שברא את היקום והרוב הגדול יאמין לך. תגיד להם שהצבע טרי, והם צריכים לגעת בו כדי להאמין.”