Eugene Mirman

“Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.”

“Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.”

“Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.”

“Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.”

“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.”

“Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)”

“If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.”

“Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.”

“Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).”

“Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.”

“Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.”

“Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.”