Emo Philips

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“I'm a great lover, I'll bet.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.”

“People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.”

“I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”

“I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.”

“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.”

“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”

“Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”

“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.”

“You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!”

“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”