Elayne Boosler

“I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.”

“I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.”

“Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'”

“I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.”

“My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.”

“Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.”

“Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.”

“I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.”

“Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.”

“My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”

“The message of great art is to disturb.”

“It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.”

“I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.”

“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.”

“Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.”

“We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.”

“There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.”

“My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.”

“San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.”