Eddie Izzard

“They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'”

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

“If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.”

“I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.”

“I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.”

“If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.”

“I had the luxury of knowing what I wanted to do. So I just sat on the bed and came up with a plan for myself:"I have to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. But I don't have the confidence to do a production there because I've never gone before, and I don't even know how to get there or what to do once I get there. So I will just act as if I do have the confidence to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll just borrow confidence from a future version of myself. Once I've been to the Edinburgh Fringe and performed a show there, then I will have the confidence to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. I will go to the bank manager of confidence (in some part of my brain) and I will borrow that confidence from the future, and then I can wear it like a cloak, and I will talk to everyone with this confidence."It was out there as a concept, but it worked.”

“I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.”

“I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.”

“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”

“I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.”

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”

“There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?”

“Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.”

“Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.”

“I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!”

“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”

“I'm a one-man idiot.”