Ed Byrne

“[During 'Unlikely Things To Hear In The House of Lords'] Ive changed my name to E. Lordy, I want you all to call me Lord E. Lordy!”

“[During 'If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question' -- the answer is "24%"] Is it "What is the proportion of my penis that is medically safe for a woman to accommodate?"?”

“Sometimes in your everyday life, you should say the right thing. But the wrong thing is funnier.”

“[on LL Cool J's name] He obviously went to a school where you get to pick your own fucking nickname, he did. "I shall be 'LL Cool J', 'Ladies Love Cool James'". "Nice one, God I wish I'd thought of that one for myself." If I'd gone to his school, my nickname probably would have been 'LL Nice E B T G P H A A F', which stands for 'Ladies Like Nice Ed But They Generally Prefer Him As A Friend'.”

“Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that would have been really weird, because it means you're in my head.”

“[About the Smoking Ban] The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has to do as well. Next thing you know, the Irish are going to start saying 'aluminum', and that'll be the last straw as far as I'm concerned. If that happens, I'm not going back! Everyone's got their own reasons to dislike Americans, 'aluminum' is top of my fucking list, ladies and gentleman. Aluminum cans, aluminum – what the fuck's aluminum foil? Honestly! Everyone knows it's pronounced 'tin'!”

“I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but I also know it takes ten minutes to smoke it. That's a clear five-minute net gain, I reckon.”

“Trying to separate cigarettes and alcohol, that's against God's will!”

“It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, "if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt."”

“An isobar of emos. If anybody needs that explaining to them, it's because they are linked by their depression.”

“For me snowboarding is basically like being beaten up by a mountain.”

“Do you know what's odd and weird and strange - a democracy with a fucking Queen...Piers Morgan, who's a cock anyway...sweaty faced bollix.”

“...and I've had to call somebody who purports to be some sort of boiler man...am I just unlucky or are plumbers evil lying bags of shit?”