Don Rickles

“When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side.”

“My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared.”

“If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day.”

“Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports.”

“My mother was a Jewish General Patton.”

“Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.”

“My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances.”

“We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't.”

“I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me.”

“I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage.”

“I never went out looking for glory.”

“Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.”

“Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.”

“I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.”

“The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson.”

“I don't drink much anymore, but when I traveled with Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul, I used to drink like I could do it. He made it a test. In Vegas, the Rat Pack, which I was a little part of, drank all night and slept most of the day. Then, about 5 o'clock, we'd meet in the hotel steam room, lock the door, and steam our brains out.”

“To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.”

“Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.”

“I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.'”

“Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?”