A biography for David Sedarishasn’t been written yet.
“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”
“I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.”
“I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.”
“I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.”
“I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.”
“I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.”
“Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.”
“My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.”
“I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.”
“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
“It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'”
“I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.”
“I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.”
“He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!”
“I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little finger wave, the type a leprechaun might offer a pixie who was floating by on a maple leaf. "Well, hi there," I whispered.”
“but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.”
“I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magnificent Brueghel, take a picture of it, reducing it from art to proof. It's not "Look what Brueghel did, painted this masterpiece" but "Look what I did, went to Rotterdam and stood in front of a Brueghel painting!”
“I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.”
“The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.”
“Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.”