Dave Attell

“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!”

“Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.”

“Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.”

“For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.”

“Being on the road is kind of lonely.”

“I'm not really a music guy.”

“A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.”

“I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.”

“I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.”

“I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.”

“I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.”

“Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.”

“I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.”

“I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.”

“When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.”

“I'm not like a performer type.”

“I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.”

“I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.”

“You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.”

“What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.”