Bryan Callen

“I guess I am attracted to older women. I'm looking for a 40-something who has had her heart broken two or three hundred times. She's going to be fun!”

“Stand-up comedy is all you. It's your show, it's your game. You control every aspect of it - of that experience and that expression. There's really nothing quite as satisfying.”

“It's always a shock to me when I get recognized.”

“There are so many hot, sexy women in L.A.”

“One of the beautiful things about podcasting is that I'm not beholding to some public entity.”

“If you actually get down to the nitty-gritty of the average Pakistani, the average Indian, the average whoever, what you really do know emotionally is that they're exactly the same.”

“Compare sending someone a text message and getting a love letter delivered by carrier pigeon. No contest.”

“My parents were really nice to me.”

“I'm always driven to keep doing something different and better.”

“My dad's idea of punishment was to dress me up in all green to disguise me as grass, and then throw me in the pasture. Cows bit me all over.”

“I celebrate masculinity when I'm onstage.”

“I don't know much, but I like talking to people who know a lot more than I do.”

“Guys want a 500 horsepower car. I'd rather have one horsepower - in a horse. That's macho. You go to pick up your date and you show up on a horse.”

“As an actor, you're never busy enough.”

“Some comics really thrive on being disrespectful, especially toward women, and it's somehow understood as edgy, but I'm the opposite. I've never liked curse words for that reason.”

“If you're the Rolling Stones, you can sing 'Start Me Up' for 35 years, and people still cheer.”

“Comedy is surprise. Comedy is not something that you can, necessarily, do twice.”

“You go into an audition, you're either the one or you're not, and if you're not, you go home. And I kind of like that. If you're really good, and you're the best guy in the room that day, you get the job.”

“My point of view is that men are basically animals, and I'm okay with that.”

“Women find men attractive who are aggressive... but later on, they get worried that that aggression, that alpha energy, is going to be turned back against them and their children.”