Brian Regan

“so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!”

“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.”

“That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.”

“It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.”