Brian Celio

“I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?”

“The only way to get under me is to get over yourself.”

“I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?”

“Fire is no laughing matter. In a drunken attempt to appear womanly, my neighbor tried to burn her pubes off when she was fifteen, but it hurt too much to get it completely smooth. My friend had sex with her two years later and said her clit looked like a chestnut. I’ve been pro-bush ever since.”

“I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever.”

“I wish my nose would blow me for once.”

“Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both.”

“Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.”

“I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous.”

“Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary.”

“Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both.”

“Just because you're upfront with someone doesn't mean you're an honest person; you might just be someone in the passenger seat.”

“You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right.”

“Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel.”

“A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.”

“Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own.”

“What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?”

“Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool!”

“True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't.”

“I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.”