Billy Gardell

“I've been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 - when I'm in Vegas, I want a steak!”

“I always like to find those little mom-and-pop sandwich places, or diners. Those are my favorite kind of places.”

“You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That's the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That's what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there's always a role for the Everyman.”

“And then as I got older, see, I think a lot of times with comics, your life kind of permeates your act. Whatever is happening in your life is what's going on on stage. So if you're angry in your life, then that's going to be on stage. If you're looking for the guy that's just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that's me.”

“Look, you know, you can't please everybody. I'm a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn't matter how funny you are and how well you do, there's two people that are going to walk out of there hating you.”

“Stand-up will always come first. I've been doing it for 22 years, and nothing compares to that connection you have with the audience. It's euphoric.”

“I'm from Minnesota! I used to work Knuckleheads at the Mall of America as a stand-up. I spent New Year's there once. I'm not trying to namedrop.”

“I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you're like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don't want to do that. So I'm just trying.”

“You know, I'm playing the Mirage in Vegas, the main room... About 5 percent of all comics end up as the main headliner on the Vegas Strip, so that's a big deal for me. Getting to do my stand-up the way I have this summer is really what I've dreamed of since I was about 10 years old.”

“As a comic, I've heard gunshots while I'm trying to get to sleep. I've performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.”

“Yeah, I've done Jim Breuer's radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got 'Mike & Molly,' wishing me congratulations. I'm always the last one to the party, man. But that's okay. I got there.”

“You start realizing that maybe you're the one night a month that people have out, and they don't need to hear your political views or how dark you can get. They just want to laugh for an hour and go home. Once I wrapped my head around that, my act evolved accordingly.”

“Everybody wants to be a better version of themselves - everybody. And I hope one day I can lose some weight. Maybe, who knows, I'll hire myself a trainer and a fancy cook. In five years, maybe I'll be an action hero. Then again, maybe I'll just be this guy. Who knows? But the fun part is embracing the human side of that.”

“And what's great is, you know, while 'Mike and Molly' are working on their health, that's their flaw, the people that surround them are actually- that's the mess. Those two have it together the most.”

“Whenever I realize I'm being a goofball, I write it down. When I release the joke onstage, I love watching the effect it has on the audience. No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.”

“I like those older theaters - the acoustics are perfect, I mean, you just have that feel of there's been a thousand shows in there and now you get to be one.”

“I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I'm doing the best I can.”

“The quickest way to defuse fear or insecurity or anger is usually humor. I think comics figure that out quickly, and, once you figure it out, you think, 'Hey, if I can do this and get paid, that would be kind of cool.'”

“I come from a working-class family in Pittsburgh, whereas 'Mike & Molly' deals with the working class in Chicago. I swear a little, but I pretty much talk the same. It's not like when you see someone like Tim Allen and he's a lot bluer onstage.”

“I chewed up a lot of Florida highway when I was starting out. Used to come to Tampa two or three times a year for about 10 years straight.”