Artie Lange

“Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.”

“My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.”

“When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.”

“To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.”

“I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.”

“Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.”

“I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.”

“Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.”

“I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.”

“My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.”

“To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!”

“When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.”

“All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.”

“The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.”

“Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.”

“Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.”

“It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.”

“The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.”

“Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd want to punch him in the face; he'd just seem like a whiner to you. But the fact is that he's funny.”