Anna B. Doe

“But, is it more important to stay true to yourself, to what you believe in, or give it up for someone you care about?”Lisa gives me a warm smile and her hand finds mine on the table.“There is no right answer to that.” She squeezes my hand hard. “It depends on so many things. You are the one who has to choose, to find the balance between what you believe in and what you care about. It’s a game with high risk—you can lose someone you care about but still have your pride, or…you can lose yourself for someone you care about.” She gets up from her seat. “The real question is—is ‘care’ good enough to be lost for?”

“We both keep quiet. Again.Today just seems like a day for it. It’s easier that way. You don’t have to say things you don’t want to say because once the words are out, you’ll have to confront them.Confront your insecurities. Confront your fears.Confront yourself. I think that one, the last one, is the hardest.”

“I’m not sure if I managed to respond or not; maybe it was all just in my head, a dream, like all others, in which he sneaks into my head when I don’t have any power to hold him at arm’s length.But William was right about one thing.I did have sweet dreams, or maybe it was just a beautiful nightmare.”

“Why did you run away last time?” William asks quietly, so quietly that at first, I think I’m imagining it...“Because you are dangerous for me,” I say in the same tone so that he is the only one who can hear me...“Because,” I say, but then I stop, my throat suddenly too dry.7…6…My tongue darts out to wet my lips before continuing in a hurry. “Because…”5…“You could be everything I ever wanted.” 4…3…“Everything and so much more.”

“It’s not like you have anything to lose anymore.”My fingers stop at my thumb ring while Sienna’s words echo in my head. Do I have anything to lose? I mean, after all I did, everything I fought against. I slowly turn the ring on my thumb. This simple band has, like all of my rings, one word engraved on it. Will anything change if I go to him? After all, I did lose everything that is important.It’s funny, actually, after the months I spent pushing him away. I thought, like the silly girl I probably am, that if I didn’t give myself to him, I’d be safe, that as long as I didn’t sleep with him, I wouldn’t lose my heart. Shouldn’t I have this one last memory to take home with me?So lost…I came here lost and I’ll go home lost. How convenient, and so utterly pathetic I want to give myself one strong shake to snap out of this.”

“It’s like a domino effect. After all the time of neatly putting the pieces together, one wrong move, one moment of distraction, and all of it comes falling down. The same happens to us. While ignoring all those moments that happened, all the situations when we wanted to do something, make a move and let our impulses take over, we put them neatly one behind other and now it comes crashing down around us.”

“I want his eyes to stop looking at me like that, and at the same time, I have always wanted to be looked at just like that. Now, when I look into the brown depths of his eyes… I feel desired. I feel confident.I feel free.I feel like a woman.”

“I want more from life. I want to travel, see the world, and meet different kinds of people. I don’t want to stay locked in a small country, living my life halfheartedly the way society expects me to live it. I want to experience things and live to the fullest so I won’t have any regrets. I want more, so much more than they do, and they simply can’t understand it.”