Andrew Shaffer

“In 'Hope Never Dies', the fictional Obama and Biden go up against drug traffickers, outlaw bikers, and other seedy opponents. They're forced to use skills they didn't know they had. Or, to put it another way, unlike Jordan Peele's Obama, this Obama doesn't need an anger translator.”

“In the White House, Obama was driven around in an armored Cadillac limo nicknamed 'The Beast.' In 'Hope Never Dies,' he blows his book deal advance on 'The Little Beast,' a black Cadillac Escalade upgraded with military-grade armor and shocks so good 'you can drive over a land mine and not spill your tea.'”

“My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.“I’m your boss, Anna.”“What do you mean?”There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.”

“As a writer who has struggled with depression, the question is one that has long troubled me. Should I resist treatment, on the off-chance my creative output will somehow be affected?”

“Way before musicians and actors cornered the market on misbehavior, writers were flooding hotel rooms and testing their livers' upper limits.”

“After finishing my undergraduate work at the University of Iowa, where I took creative writing classes taught by Writer's Workshop students, I applied to half a dozen MFA writing programs.”

“It's easy to feel spurned, especially when you return to your apartment and stare at the hundreds of rejection letters tacked to your bulletin board.”

“Biden is actually a wonk at heart. Despite his gaffes, he's very cerebral.”

“'First Step 2 Forever' is a hardcover, multi-colored monstrosity that clocks in at 240 pages... half of which feature full-page pictures of the 16-year-old Bieber.”

“If you're looking for a behind-the-scenes rock-n-roll biography, pick up Nikki Sixx's 'The Heroin Diaries'. If you want the world's most narcissistic high school yearbook, however, 'First Step 2 Forever' is your new bicycle.”

“Don't respond to haters' taunts - even politely. Ignore them. If nobody takes their bait, most will grow bored and move on.”

“3. When making your dramatic exit, crawl along one of the web strands that extend outward from the center. Avoid the webbing that runs in concentric circles, as it's the stickiest. 4. Once you've escaped, say something snarky to the queen, like "Sorry I couldn't stick around.”

“Instead of silencing artists, is it possible that antidepressants can actually help them vocalize their creative ambitions?”

“In their political careers, Obama and Biden faced down lobbyists, Tea Party carpetbaggers, and Washington gridlock.”

“With traditional publishing, books might be pulled due to plagiarism or libel - but rarely for content, and especially not without a widespread outcry.”

“Christmas sits like a black hole on the calendar. Just try scheduling a meeting at work the month of December.”

“Every published writer, myself included, was at one time unpublished. All writers know what rejection feels like.”

“Buying reviews of ebooks that include downloads is a well-known way to 'juice' an ebook's sales rank and attract new readers.”

“The hottest new attraction at Disney World has got to be the new Last Airbender ride.”

“In 2009, the American Library Association recorded 460 challenges reported to the Office of Intellectual Freedom.”