Allan Sherman

“Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck.”

“I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either.”

“Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else.”

“Our act started at the bottom and went downhill.”

“I have always lived beyond my means. I am still trying to live beyond my means, but it is getting harder all the time. I am very rich.”

“Well, you might as well imitate your own program because if you don't, someone else will.”

“Somewhere, over the rainbow, Way up tall, There's a land where they've never heard of cholesterol.”

“Even if Scrabble had been invented then, I wouldn't have wanted to play Scrabble, because the highest triple word score in the world would not have expressed how much I liked the game Natalie and I played every afternoon.”

“I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn't pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn't pay the bill either, but it was cheaper.”

“The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.”

“In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.”

“It's a play where something went wrong, 'Cause it's five hours, twelve minutes long. If you sit there, my friend, From beginning 'til end, Then your bladder better be strong!”

“When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents.”

“I didn't decide I was crazy until 1952. That's when I began making a steady salary and could afford to be crazy.”

“Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.”

“You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes.”

“They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.”

“Anyone who calls it "sexual intercourse" can't possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you're ready for lunch by proclaiming, "I'd like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.”