Alan Carr

“I'm not that good at knowing the price of things. Not because I live in a celebrity bubble, but just because I've always been rubbish at stuff like that.”

“Doing stand up helps - thinking on your feet definitely comes in handy when it's a live show.”

“I've already brought enough shame on the family without halting the family tree.”

“To get your own chatshow, with your name in the title, my arena tour last year - that was another goal for me - I got my own radio show, again with my name in the title... Apart from rehab, there isn't really much on my to-do list!”

“I'm a comedian. I can't get a spray tan. I can't get a weave. I can't get my teeth done. Can you imagine if I came out on stage looking really hunky? Comedy doesn't work like that.”

“It sounds like I work at Hallmark, but every day is a journey and you get better and that's the whole point of life.”

“But there's something delightfully old-school about sitting in the BBC - obviously wearing a bow tie and monocle - with a co-presenter who forgets there's a webcam in there. It's also nice to hear from the general public when they're not swearing at you or asking to extend their credit limit.”

“Children? No, no, no. I struggle with a red setter.”

“I'm just a comedian. That's all I am. If you find me funny, good.”

“Explaining 'The Price Is Right' is probably going to make it sound like the most moronic show ever. I invite people out of the audience to guess the price of a series of household objects.”

“Even if people threw tomatoes at me and booed me off stage, at least you can wash out tomatoes, unlike nine hours of abuse from the general public which can affect your mental health.”

“I'm old school, when I go on stage, I want every single person in that theatre to have the time of their life. I don't want to upset someone on their night off when they've been working all week.”

“I was such a worrier at school. I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop stressing.”

“I think TV in general is camp. 'X Factor' is camp, 'Strictly Come Dancing' is camp. Basically, an orange man comes down some stairs and waves at the camera. People are drawn to that.”

“I love that I'm approachable. All kinds of people come up to me.”

“I don't like the attention that comes with TV.”

“I didn't want a ghost writer. I've got such a distinctive voice, people would smell a rat, I think.”

“I think I have got a lot better as an interviewer. I let people talk now which is something you need to do. At the beginning I thought jokes, jokes, jokes, I am a stand up comedian but I think I have mellowed out now.”

“I think familiarity breeds contempt. I mean, we'll never get another Greta Garbo will we? Someone would go in with a camera Sellotaped to the bottom of a tray trying to get film of her with no make-up on.”

“Let's be honest, you're very selfish in your twenties, and in your thirties you are just trying to get a down payment for your flat or enough money to pay your bills.”